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Creating Conscious Relationships Of Equality
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Our society is moving towards equal conscious relationships, relationships of equality, also called Spiritual Partnerships, or partnerships between equals.
There is a growing need for females and males to discover ways to commune with intimacy, trust and respect. This can only be achieved by individuals engaging in conscious relationships with healthy Emotional Intelligence.
Men and women want to feel safe. By understanding honest emotional communication, our society has the ability to stop the ‘mind games’ and connect to each other from the heart to heal dysfunctional love.
It’s self-defeating not to be real and honest about our feelings with other people and especially our love partners. We come from a society view which endorses ‘me versus you’ behaviour when suffering emotional pain. The last thing our ego wants to do is let someone else know what we are really feeling so immediately we jump into employing defence mechanisms which don’t serve us or our relationships. We end up with dysfunctional relationships.
Maybe our ego doesn’t want the other person to have the satisfaction of knowing we’re hurting or perhaps our ego is scared of someone not liking us because of what we say. Maybe we’re terrified that if we are honest and vulnerable we’ll be betrayed and abandoned. Many co-dependents are very weak in this area – simply because they have very little skill in identifying and responding to their own feelings.
If you’ve felt let down by a partner you may choose to
get angry and refuse to let this person see your vulnerabilities.
Maybe you ‘needed them’ and rather than be supportive
you perceived they let you down. Immediately the little ego gremlin
says, ‘Don’t let them know you’re vulnerable.
Have a go instead’. Immediately you feel like projecting
your anger or maybe you store up ‘nasty points’ and
decide next time they need you –- to hell with them –
you’ll leave them in the lurch.
None of this behaviour reflects you being real and honest about
how you feel.
With a statement such as, "I felt really upset and disappointed
when you didn’t [whatever]. I needed you for support" the partner would have to be totally heartless not to take this
on and try to respond in a more supportive way next time. The
most important thing is that by honouring our feelings and speaking
our truth, we’re more likely to receive support and consideration
in our life.
It would be incredibly naïve to think there’s never going to be a time in love when we don’t feel emotionally hurt. No one’s perfect and it’s ridiculous to assume our partner should be. There could also be areas where your values systems aren’t a direct match. But for goodness sake, why do hurt people immediately jump over the partition in the court and start hurling missiles from the other side?
Surely we’re trying to create togetherness and respect,
NOT separation and pain. Even the silent treatment is denying the need to be emotionally honest, and no one wants
to be around a dark and moody person who has no intention of honestly
explaining how they feel. How can this "you’ll pay
for the way I’m feeling and you had better fix my mood for me"
behaviour ever create a relationship of trust and intimacy?
Wouldn’t the world and every relationship be much
better if everyone could drop the fear of being emotionally honest? Fear-based defence tactics are not love. They’re fear. They represent one-upmanship
and destructive game-playing tools.
I remember a discussion I had with a friend years ago about expressing
emotional honesty (vulnerability) and her comment was, "I’ll
only start doing it if he does!"
Incredible! Everyone is so terrified of being vulnerable because
they think someone else will take them apart! So much of our world
is back to front and upside down. We think being real makes us
exposed, yet the overwhelming truth is by not being real we are
totally susceptible to pain, personal attack and misery.
Why didn’t people really teach us the meaning of ‘The
truth sets us free?’ This means that speaking the truth
about how we emotionally feel grants us the freedom of true self-love,
love from others and happiness.
I’m thoroughly convinced defensive communication destroys
relationships. If you’re real (vulnerable), you’re
truly empowered and truly safe. No one can disempower you, manipulate
you or compromise your boundaries. You’re responding from
a place of self-honour rather than reacting from a victim viewpoint. Victims take hostages. They
create drama and fights – and they absolutely create their
own ongoing pain.
When you’re the fear-based, aggressive and defensive victim,
you’re totally vulnerable to someone else’s
actions and beliefs about you. By communicating emotional honesty
you’re in a place where you'll attract realness, truth,
respect and honesty. Try it! Have the courage to come out from
behind your fears and be real. I promise you’ll be
totally blown away with the results.
We’ve all been trying to hide our emotions from each other
when we all know emotions exist! After all, we all feel them.
Did we really think we were the only ones to feel emotional pain?
It’s incredibly frightening to realise just how childish
our society is and how emotionally uneducated we’ve been!
Men and women all want the same thing! We all want to stop the separation, stop the ‘enemy tactics’ and connect in honest and safe ways. Emotional integrity and realness is the greatest gift that we can bring to our love relationships. None of us can be loving and loved in relationships without this vital foundation.
This
article is an excerpt from the book,
"Breaking The Chains
of Painful Love".
Copyright © 2008 Melanie Tonia Evans. All Rights Reserved.
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