Personal Boundaries in Relationships
Boundaries define who we are. They establish ‘what is me’ and ‘what isn’t me.’
Personal Boundaries help us create ownership and protection of ourselves. Boundaries are our personal security.We know that not just anyone can open the front door of our home, walk inside, go to the fridge, grab whatever they want and plonk on our couch. We know that if someone tries to steal our car, it’s illegal. We know people are not allowed to access our bank accounts and use our funds for their purposes, unless we grant consent.
Most people are very aware of boundaries for material objects, yet struggle to realise the importance of implementing emotional, physical, spiritual and mental boundaries for self.
What would happen if you came from a different society where individuals shared all of their resources and knew no different? You might get a shock! You may not know how to function in this new society. You may wander into someone else's back yard and start helping yourself to their veggie patch. Imagine if you didn’t know the rules for the boundaries of your home, car, personal belongings or bank account. Maybe you would go around life allowing many people to take what was yours without batting an eyelid.
How many of us have never known the ‘rules’ of our personal well-being, and how not to allow life and others to intrude, steal or damage our personal power? How many of us have never known how to respect other people’s boundaries and simply thought we were ‘doing the right thing’? How many of us have been damaging ourselves and others simply because we haven’t understood the ownership and stewardship that every individual has over the possession of their own life?
Let’s look at the term – ‘Ownership’...
Our spiritual and self-mastery journey requires ‘owning’ ourselves. This includes owning the responsibility of creating and enforcing our own boundaries. Because (as always) it’s no one else’s job!
If we’re confused about our ownership and perimeters of self, it’s logical to realise others are going to be very confused about where our boundaries do or don’t lie. How can we expect them to honour us? This confusion can create great pain and even devastation, just as having poor perimeters of our homes, cars or bank accounts would.
By having a healthy, functioning boundary, we know when to open the door to good, and when to close the door to bad.
How do we activate our door correctly? By using the words and actions that state "Yes" to open the door, and the words and actions that state "No" to close it.
Our door is suffering enormous security breaches if we say "Yes" when we really feel "No", and is jammed when we say "No" to the love and support that we really desire.
How do we know when our boundary door is malfunctioning?
It’s simple. We feel broken, lonely, angry, distressed, victimized, anxious, unsupported, exhausted and empty.
There are many reasons why it’s important to have a mature boundary function; such as:
Please understand that "No's are delivered from the space of knowing yourself, rather than trying to work out and decipher the mindset of another individual. We have previously learnt that it is essential to get ‘out of other people’s heads’ (as per our understanding of co-dependency) and understand ourselves first and foremost.
Creating boundaries is not about convincing someone else to behave in a way that YOU THINK THEY SHOULD. It is about YOU behaving the way you want your life to go.
When you know you are a person to be respected and you don’t rely on other people giving you the approval for that, the irony is that people will start to grant you much more respect and approval than they would have done otherwise.
Our childhood conditioning, and the inherent lack of society's boundary awareness, were very responsible for our defunct boundaries.
As babies and young children we had no awareness of boundaries. This is why little babies love to be wrapped up tight in blankets or be cuddled, and can get very distressed when they aren’t. It helps them feel safe and secure. It provides the feeling of a boundary.
Let us explore some of the faultily learned boundary possibilities we acquired in our early years:
Obviously, our boundary issues usually relate to unfinished business from our childhood.
Boundary work like all self-work, requires full embracing to heal. It can begin with an awareness of your limits.
Limits are the knowing of what you'll and won’t accept in your life.
Limits come from the knowing and backing up of who you truly are.
To give an example, I am very clear about my own life in regard to the following:
I will no longer accept:
My list is much longer than this, but it gives you an idea.
As a result of getting very clear on my personal truth, my life transformed extremely quickly from tolerating severe lies, abuse and narcissism to being filled with emotionally mature, responsible and respectful people. I am now blessed to experience consistent honesty and support. Rather than suffering the chauvinistic and irresponsible men that I was allowing into my space, only beautiful men now reside in my life. Why has this happened? Quite simply because I will tolerate no less. My old ‘limits’ are no longer a part of my reality.
Remember... every time you tolerate something that is ‘no longer the truth of you’, your boundary function is fuzzy and you are allowing this aspect into your reality.
It is very important to realise that everything exists out there in the world. There are people and situations that are inapplicable, manipulative, narcissistic, unhealthy and violating. It is truly naïve to bury your head in a bucket of sand, desperately hoping that everyone is as good, kind and caring as you are!
It’s time to grow up!!
You are here to defend the investment of you, to protect it and stand up for it. The more you do this, the less the Universe will deliver these ‘less-than’ interactions. Until you learn to honour and become a ‘guardian of self’, life will keep delivering ‘what you need’ in order to learn this vital self-respect. This is an inevitable transaction of your personal growth and evolution. And it doesn’t have to be painful. You don’t have to take it personally or feel dismayed about the plights and behaviour of others. That’s their stuff! They are entitled to their journey and their evolution at whatever pace is right for them.
Be very clear:
The process of you setting limits
and honouring your boundaries
is the most healing behaviour you can present
to self and others
To allow an abuser to abuse
is an act of abuse.
It is a fearful act of self. This act states:
"I am scared for me, rather than granting the other person
an opportunity to become aware and heal."
How many people sit back, don’t stand up in regard to someone else’s inapplicable behaviour, and grant feedback. They hope that someone else in this person’s life will do the job! This is not responsible human interaction. You are not being responsible to them, and you are not being responsible to yourself. Feedback does not mean changing them or getting them to see your point of view. It may be a statement of your truth and then you leaving if the behaviour doesn’t change. Feedback does mean no longer staying in the presence of the abuse and feeding it - such as arguing with it, or tolerating it.
So it truly is simple...
Detach from trying to understand others’ behaviour, thoughts and issues. Live a principle centered life (see the article From Victim to Survivor to Thriver to learn how to do this), and then back it up with action.
The effect you'll have on everyone and everything offers the highest path to positive transformation. It is that simple!
To do anything less is Emotional Dishonesty.
How many times do we ‘suck it in’ – say the words that don’t match our feelings, tell an intimidating demanding immature or irresponsible person what they want to hear rather than speak the truth, or don’t discuss how we feel and think about a situation because of our own fears and then attempt to control another person through procuring guilt or sympathy-projection of our uncomfortable feelings, or use other similarly passive / aggressive and indirect methods. Or maybe we internalise our pain and discomfort and whine about it to someone else, or worse still keep it trapped inside and mentally beat ourselves up. This is not being real and it doesn’t create healing, realness or resolution. It throws more dysfunction into the mix.
Limits are really about having preferences. It is deciding who you are; who you aren’t, what is a part of your reality and what isn’t a part of your reality. It’s no different from saying I don’t like Chinese food therefore I won’t eat it, and I like Thai food and therefore I do eat it. Preferences and limits establish a strong sense of ‘who you are,’ which means that only certain aspects of life and others can enter your ‘field of reality’. Life is an unlimited and assorted mix, and we have always filled our personal world with whatever frequency we are vibrating at. Saying "Yes" to certain aspects and "No" to others shapes and creates this vibration – thereby shaping the truth of our life.
If you find boundary setting difficult, or you feel guilty in regard to claiming the right to state your truth, you are unclear about your identity. If you are unclear about who you are, life and others will penetrate your boundaries and mould you into who or what they are.
Hopefully you are now very clear about the vital importance of deciding what you'll say "Yes" to and what you
will say "No" to. If you are unsure, you need to get powerfully clear to have any hope of setting limits,
realities, standards and parameters for your life.
If you still have fear of setting boundaries, I would highly suggest healing work such as a Quanta Freedom™ Healing or reading my eBook ‘How to Understand and Implement Healthy Boundary Function.’
If certain situations and people aren’t matching your truth, they will either adjust their behaviour or depart from your reality. What you can be assured of is that your life will fill with the details, events and people that are the truth of you. Think about it… your life has always worked to this formula, whether you are conscious of it or not!
How capable are you of keeping
the good in and the bad out?
18 or over:
In order to access more information regarding boundaries,
and how to set them please see my eBook,
‘How to Understand and Implement Healthy Boundary Function’.
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