Relationships can be extremely confusing. Our society has portrayed 'romantic love,' and sent us messages of passion, pain and drama. Very little has ever been taught about healthy and life-enhancing love.
We all want a secure, safe, loyal and real relationship, and often struggle to obtain it. For men and women to unite harmoniously, our world requires a higher consciousness.
PHASE 1: Make It Your Mission to Create and Know a Powerful Relationship with Yourself.
Quantum Physics and the Law of Attraction allow us to understand that any relationship we create comes from the vibration of the relationship with ourselves.
As John Gray, the renowned Mars Venus Expert, states: "Look at who you are bringing to the relationship."
Yes, we would all like 'that perfect someone' to "complete" us, however the truth is: if we are not complete we won't attract and maintain a relationship that fills in our insecurities. In fact we will attract a relationship that shows them up even more severely.
Haven't we all noticed that often the same themes and patterns are running through our unsuccessful relationships? Do we have patterns of being abandoned? Have we had the repetitive experience of attracting unsupportive or even abusive partners? Do we find that it is extremely hard to hold our space and stay calm in those inevitable moments of relationship disruption?
Yes, this is generally the case. Why is this? Because we are not in our power before entering a relationship. The only way we can maintain a healthy relationship is to know and hold our self-worth, self-love and self-respect and not need that void filled by another person. This certainly doesn't mean that a healthy partnership won't add to the experience of love. If we are authentically in our power, a love partner certainly will. That's what the dynamic of love is all about!
It is so true that unhappy singles will create one half of an unhappy couple. Of course it is scary at first to realise the need for a 'relationship-fast' in order to be able to find yourself and create your own sustainable energy, as this may be the last thing you want to do.
So many people believe that they are nothing without a partner, especially women, and this is because not so long ago (less than a few generations) a women's survival relied upon a man. Anciently, a woman's survival literally depended on her clinging to her mate. If she didn't comply and was thrown out of the hut or cave she would starve to death!
Women and men need to understand the importance of bringing a whole and emotionally healthy individual, as themselves, to the table in a relationship. If this isn't the case one individual will always try to steal energy from the other, and the compliant (the person allowing the stealing of energy) will become defensive and try and take it back. Before long power plays and control issues have emerged.
The Law of Attraction which states, 'like attracts like', also reminds us:
if we are stable, whole and in our power, the chance of attracting another individual who mirrors this is greatly improved.
Another phenomenon is that the 'broken' individuals who we used to be attracted to will be less likely
to arouse our attention.
Our cells in our bodies 'talk' to other people's cells and 'recognise' each other. This is the mystery of attraction. Very much like the 'dance' the co-dependent can do with the narcissist. The narcissist intuits that the co-dependent has poor boundaries and will be easy to invade, and the co-dependent senses a damaged individual who needs fixing. Much of this 'knowing' can be deeply subconscious - yet is a powerful driving force.
There is an old joke, which really isn't funny - it goes like this: What happens when the co-dependent meets the narcissist? Answer: They get married.
A wonderful relationship with ourself is imperative, and requires self-ownership and self-work. The rewards in a future relationship and every area of our lives now are truly worth it! Make your 'relationship fast' a fabulous and exceptional experience of becoming all that you can be!
PHASE 2: Clean Up Your Unfinished Business
Nearly everyone has suffered emotional pain and trauma. It's vital to check in with the emotional fears you still may be carrying. If you resist looking at these emotionally ingrained 'less than' beliefs, and simply suppress your pain, you'll face experiences of re-living the very things you fear about love. Yes these wounds are painful, but there is no need to keep re-living the same abandonment, abuse, and disappointments. Whatever is unresolved from the past will continue to re-present itself until you have transcended and healed it.
Emotional wounds are literally the 'super-glue' that hold down powerful defunct belief systems within our subconscious. We may conceptually know that we want a healthy relationship, yet if the subconscious (by associated emotional memories) has decided, "Love equals pain", "People who love me abuse me," "People who love me believe I'm unimportant", and "People I love love someone else more than me and leave me," (just to scratch the surface) no matter what we 'believe' or strive for, our subconscious will manufacture experiences that are a direct hit with these emotionally-charged belief systems.
Unless these painful emotional charges are released, the old belief system will not budge. I highly recommend Quanta Freedom Healing (thousands of people around the globe are discovering the instant benefits of Quanta Freedom Healing) to release these beliefs.
The great news is: no longer does emotional re-programming have to
take years of painful therapy. With awareness and an openness
to change, the results can be powerful and instant.
Working on your inner world is your responsibility. It's no one else's job! This is the gift to yourself to step into your own power and grow into the truth of the life you want. Your pain has been your empowerment handed to you on a plate. Unfortunately we can struggle to realise this and remain a victim to this pain. Please read the article 'From Victim To Survivor To Thriver'.
This part of our process is about ceasing the futile exercise of trying to get retribution and approval from people in our past and working through forgiveness processes and forgiveness of self, realising that our soul planned everything perfectly so that we could evolve and truly step into our Divine Right.
These unresolved emotional traumas relate to 'less-than' love belief systems that will play out in every area of your life and be magnified within a love relationship dynamic. This is why they need to be transformed into belief systems that do reflect the reality you wish to live before creating a relationship. It makes life so much easier and creates a fulfilling relationship without the pain.
PHASE 3: Learn How to Say 'No'
Too many people are fearful of saying 'no', asserting their identity and being able to have a clear definition of Self. It is sadly a part of women's DNA (especially) to comply, people-please, give, be submissive and keep everyone else happy. This is a dangerous formula for relationships. Women have learnt over the centuries to deny their own feelings and even when their inner navigator is telling them 'no', they feel guilty and say 'yes.'
Both men and women need to heal and claim healthy assertion and move past the fear of being everything someone would want you to be, and stop worrying about needing to please and be seen as 'easy going'. Having healthy boundaries does not mean being neurotic! It simply means knowing who you are, what your truth is and what you stand for. This defines you as a person in your own right, which means you'll be respected and admired by an emotionally mature partner. He / she will treat you as an equal and recognise you as worthy.
Healthy Identity means - if you don't want to eat Chinese Food then tell the truth. It means - if he / she asks you to do something that you don't want to do, you speak up. It means you have the ability to retain your thoughts and feelings, your interests and your personal resources.
Have a look at every area of your life. People with poor boundaries, who struggle to say 'no' in their everyday lives, tend to put up with behaviour within love relationships that they never thought they would, and then feel responsible for fixing it. They don't know their limits and haven't yet discovered their deservedness or worthiness. These individuals tend to give and give till it hurts and then wonder why they feel so broken and drained. They have limited support from other people around them, and if they were really honest they would admit they struggle to accept support, and feel guilty when it's offered.
These people are running subconscious belief system programs such as: "If I don't do everything for everyone I won't be loved", and "I'm only lovable for how good I am, and how capable I am." Most of us were brought up with conditional love, and we may have taken on feeling loved only if we performed what was expected.
I can't emphasise strongly enough how important healthy boundary training is before entering love relationships. Women generally want a big strong man to protect them and provide boundaries for them. By failing to protect ourselves we run the risk of attracting a man who will damage our flaky boundaries even more. Relationship intimidation, violence and abuse is a big society issue and many women are living within the torture of their own inability to say 'no', and the fear of the repercussions if they do. Point blank:
If you feel unsupported by others, you'll attract an unsupportive mate.
If you are intimidated and manipulated by others, you'll attract an
intimidating and manipulative mate. Life is already showing
you a mini version of what you'll experience in love.
If you heal your inner wounds, and learn and enjoy the empowerment of being able to say 'no', you'll have a surplus of energy to say 'yes' to the aspects of life that will serve you.
PHASE 4: Be Selective and Responsible When Choosing a Mate
Would you walk into a used car lot and take the first car simply because it has a feature you like, without checking out the vital components? Like saying "Great stereo, don't care how many kilometres or the state of the tyres, hand me the keys!" Of course you wouldn't! How many of us have fallen into an unhealthy relationship simply because we felt an attraction.
Attraction alone can be deceptive and intoxicatingly dangerous. Don't be foolhardy; remember the point previously about 'cells talking to cells'. Just because you feel an attraction to a particular partner does not mean they will be good for you. Look deeper.
I highly suggest, before putting yourself into the arena of dating, to get clear about what you're looking for and know what character traits are a healthy addition to your life. Write a list of the traits you would like to receive in a man or woman (before assessing physical attributes), and work at living aligned with these traits yourself. Be clear what you deserve to receive. If you aren't, you're taking pot luck at reaching the desired destination. No different from jumping into a taxi and when the taxi driver asks 'Where to?" you reply "Wherever" or "I don't know".
When meeting a prospective partner, ask the right questions and don't be frightened of scaring him off. If you have been a victim of past abuse, I suggest the following checklist:
- Does he / she display responsible behaviour? Excessive drinking and not worrying about driving is not being responsible.
- Does he / she have reverence and respect towards women / men? Does he / she have a good relationship with family members? Does he / she take responsibility for previous relationships, or is he / she a 'blame thrower?'
Please note (for women): Holding the door open and buying you a meal and drinks, offering his jacket etc. does not necessarily mean he is respectful. Be very very aware narcissists commonly woo women with such charming behaviour.
- Does he / she have long term friends, and what are these friends like?
- Does he / she have a stable history in regard to credibility, employment, credit ratings etc?
- Is his / her language respectful?
- Does he / she have self-respect? Be mindful if an individual doesn't respect and look after himself / herself they will have a limited ability to respect and care for you.
- Take note of how other people he / she knows see this person, and ascertain whether they respect and trust him / her.
These are really only the basics!!
None of this investigation process needs to be intrusive or disrespectful. It is your sacred right to research what you are getting yourself into. If a man or woman becomes defensive or cagey about answering your questions, be wary. If you feel that there are discrepancies in stories, don't doubt yourself. Look further. If he / she has a troubled and fragmented past, stop making excuses and know you'll be signing up for more of the same. There are enough great people out there to not invest in emotionally damaged goods.
A person in their power is the one choosing a mate;
They don't give in to being chosen.
Men especially respect this and are very attracted to women who operate in this dynamic. Ask yourself: Is this person someone you would have as a close friend or an associate? And take the rose-coloured glasses off when you make the appraisal. If he / she isn't - why would you take this person on as a potential life partner?
PHASE 5: Take Time to Connect
We all know there are couples who meet, have whirlwind romances and it works out wonderfully. However, if you have a past history of abuse and disappointing relationships, is it worth the risk of falling straight in? Go back to 'old fashioned' values. Allow time for courting and getting to know this person before you start a sexual relationship. Too many people get into bed far too quickly.
Yes it can feel so right and yes he / she may seem to be what you are looking for, but why hand your body over immediately. Your body is a temple and by connecting with another individual sexually you are allowing them fully into your space and into your soul.
Be selective about who moves into this space, and be aware that building a
relationship step-by-step is the most sensible way to create
a foundation that will last.
If he / she doesn't want to take the time to build this union, then this isn't the right person. If you fear losing him / her because you aren't having sex, then you have self-deservedness issues to confront. Make sure this person meets the criteria of the values you deserve to receive, rather than allowing him / her into your psychic space without checking whether or not he / she is worthy of being there.
PHASE 6: Make Sure You Are Both on the Same Page
The following is for women....If a man says he doesn't want a serious relationship - get it through your head: He doesn't want a serious relationship! I don't know how many women I know who have connected to men who stated this at the onset, only to have to face heartbreaking facts one week, six months, two years or five years down the track. If your truth is 'a serious committed relationship', don't waste your time. Stop fooling yourself into thinking he'll change his mind and fall in love with you enough to commit.
Get out of scarcity thinking! Just because he's a guy that you want as a partner, don't think you can't manifest another with these qualities who is available to commit.
When an individual moves into the awareness of the ability to manifest what he or she
does want and does deserve, there is movement out of trying to turn 'crumbs
into cookies', and a knowing one can hold out for the real thing.
Before connecting sexually to a partner, check to see if he / she wants what you want. And this goes for all major values such as fidelity, life-style etc. Stop trying to change a person after the fact into who he / she has to be to make you happy. Accept who this person is, move on and work on yourself enough to attract and create a relationship with someone who is heading in the same direction.
PHASE 7: Retain Your Identity
As Barbara De Angelis states, "Women live continuously in the love room." It's true! So many women constantly talk about their partners, what they are or aren't doing, and even what their partners feel and think! It's scary to realise we can get so wrapped up in another person that we forget to understand what we feel and think. Many women are severely co-dependent. We end up idealising our partners so much that we forget to look at the truth of our life, what is or isn't healthy and how to take responsibility for creating and maintaining it. Men, who are suffering low self-esteem can also fall into the same trap.
Retain your interests, your friends and your
personal purpose and passions.
Healthy people don't appreciate clingy partners who require them to make decisions and continually take charge of his / her life. If a woman, this is a narcissistic man's dream. Because your focus is on him, he can easily throw you off balance, control you and feed off your energy. Healthy people know when to detach and do their own thinking and enjoy activities outside of their relationship. These individuals have a healthy self-identity and are much more likely to create and maintain healthy relationships.
PHASE 8: Work at Intimacy
Many people mistake intimacy as sexual contact. Intimacy is about the ability to be real, vulnerable and emotionally honest. Any relationship without intimacy is under strain. In our new world evolution of spiritual and equal partnerships, this is becoming even more apparent. Women tend to share deep feelings more readily then men do. For centuries women have had the ability to connect to other women and share their feelings. Men traditionally struggle to share their feelings with their peers, and were not encouraged by society to do so. What is so wonderful, is I am seeing a surge of men becoming emotionally connected to themselves and efforting to develop emotional authenticity.
If you have a healthy self-identity, it is easy to be honest. And this means being honest about your weaknesses as well as your strengths, without fearing that someone is going to rip you down. Vulnerability also means being honest (in an accountable way) about insecurities and fears within the relationship rather than projecting them in a blame throwing way. True intimacy and vulnerability also means apologising immediately as soon as you know you are being unreasonable or out of line, as well as speaking up clearly about what you need and what you won't accept without regressing into 'tit for tat' retaliation behaviour.
If you hide your emotional truth from a person with whom you want a meaningful relationship, this means you have not as yet accepted yourself. Fear of intimacy and trying to get someone's attention and then keeping them at arm's length with defense mechanisms is one of the most confusing and soul-destroying traits of narcissist individuals. Be honest with yourself. Are you terrified about letting another into your inner world because of the fear of being hurt? Work at it step-by-step with your partner, otherwise your relationship will never reach the depth of connection that you wish it could.
If you have created true intimacy and emotional trust outside of the bedroom, you'll experience a transcendental and glorious experience in the bedroom!
PHASE 9: Work at Communication
It's extremely naïve to think there's never going to be strained times in a relationship. People can glorify their relationships in the honeymoon period and think, "We're so compatible, we're so alike. I can't ever imagine having a cross word with him / her let alone an argument." This is falsity and total romantic idealism.
Real relationships go through troubled times and challenges and the relationships that do survive (which are unfortunately rare) are the ones where healthy communication takes place. So don't be shocked when insecurities, power struggles and general disagreements occur.
Just as you thought your compatibility was so right at the start, begin to value and welcome differences. Be aware of healthy interdependency. This means having an open mind, and being emotionally secure enough to sincerely listen to, appreciate and understand another person's point of view.
Think about this: two people could look at one object and see two totally different
things. And both people may be totally right. There will be times when
you both look at life through a separate 'lens' (conditioned thinking)
and come at it from a totally different angle.
When we become emotionally stable and mature individuals, we begin to realise that the sum of two separate (and even opposing) parts can create a greater whole. In fact a 'third' solution can be born that has transcended the 'difficulties' and created a spectacular outcome whilst honouring both views. Relationships additionally offer incredible healing and growth. Inevitably a love partner will trigger your unhealed parts, and vice versa.
In order to become such an individual participating healthily in a 'win-win' relationship, there is a need to take the journey from Co-dependence to Independence to Interdependence. Sadly, our society training has been very deficient in creating emotionally honest and open communication. Most individuals have no idea what healthy interdependent communication is and have a very limited ability to genuinely listen (without defence mechanisms), whilst pushing their lens of interpretation upon the other person.
PHASE 10: Make Regular Emotional Deposits
Relationships require regular fertilizer to thrive. Many times it's the small things that count. Giving truly from a space of 'the joy of giving' is a very spiritual and enriching experience, and a person needs to be very comfortable and solid in their own skin to do it.
If you are filled with you own well-being, self-love and self-respect, you
have a powerful ability to be a true giver, and a gracious receiver.
If you give genuinely from a place of pure love, without the need for accolades, recognition or return, you experience the true gift of giving. If you give without the burden of guilt or because 'it's expected' of you, you experience the true freedom of giving.
A person giving with an open heart (without fear) will make beautiful emotional deposits into their relationship. It may be the thank you note, the little gift, or the assistance granted without being asked. And the returns will be enormous because the partner that receives you as a true and empowered giver will feel safe to give also from their heart without feeling guilty or because it's 'expected.' This grants both parties freedom.
Regular emotional deposits into your 'relationship account' make for a healthy relationship investment.
I hope these ten 'Power Phases' have granted you awareness, and the ability to contemplate what you may need to achieve in order to have a truly satisfying relationship. It is my greatest wish that it has done so....